The burden and the dangers of being Prince Charming
A heartbreaking and reassuring story about a man who tried to be the Prince Charming, a perfect boyfriend, son, and father. What it cost him, what it led to, and how he responded.
This article is based on a true story about my regression client, a well adjusted successful male in his forties. Let’s call him Client P.
Client P is an internationally recognized authority in his field, very well liked, pleasant and charming. A perfect man.
Client P had a dirty little secret however. He had a habit of cheating on his girlfriends and leaving them for the new love interest.
About a year ago Client P had a meaningless one night stand with yet another woman. But this time it was different.
First of all, he chose to stay with his girlfriend instead of leaving for the new woman, as he has done several times before. This time around he realized that he was in love with his girlfriend. But, the realization may have come too late because the rejected woman started torturing him with blackmail.
The woman threatened to tell all to Client P’s girlfriend and ruin his relationship. He told me about hundreds of threatening emails and thousands of text messages that he received over 6 months. Client P tried to appease the blackmailer and offer friendship. For a while it was “working”, albeit at the expense of him constantly feeling stressed, terrified, and guilty. But then, one day all hell broke loose, because the woman told his girlfriend anyway.
The scandal was massive.
After the initial drama subsided, he actually felt better — at least he did not have to worry about being exposed anymore. But he still felt immense guilt about cheating. He felt stupid about not knowing better. The guilt, the self blame and criticism got so bad that he found himself in a full blown identity crisis. Luckily, at the end Client P’s girlfriend chose to stay with him, but Pandora’s box of insecurity was already cracked wide open.
Client P found the strength to confront his issues head on. To assist him in finding the answers we regressed him into his childhood.
Regression is an alternative therapy method. It literally means going back to that first moment when a trauma or an emotional blockage occurs. Once the moment is found and re-lived, which is called catharsis, the person gets a chance to reevaluate the damaging pattern or a program (i.e. a coping mechanism) from his new adult perspective. I call it accessing your inner wisdom.
The new perspective breaks the pattern and gives a person freedom to choose a new conscious program, better aligned with her values. Regression brings relief, liberation, peace of mind, and inner freedom already by the end of the session. Importantly, it gives compassion to one’s own predicament. Regression helps cultivate self love, self appreciation, and self esteem. To learn more about regressions visit www.yourinnerwisdom.net.
With Client P we did three regression sessions on the same topic. It was like peeling the onion. Two regressions were into childhood, and one into the moment of his conception.
Needless to say, Client P was shocked to have recalled the moment before he existed. Whether or not the events he saw were true, we don’t know. But the recall gave a valuable insight into why he felt the way he felt, and why he acted the way he acted. It was brilliant! And it gave him a much needed breakthrough.
Here it goes.
***
Regression #1
The Prince Charming
Regression request and background:
I overpromise, lead them [women] on. As a child I was supportive of my mom, when she was beaten up by her husband. So I want to save all those women.
[I feel] Guilt about lying, cheating, and going MIA. [Eventually,] Girlfriends tried to control me, so I felt suffocated. I have a problem telling the truth when I don’t love them anymore because I don’t want to hurt them. [I have] Fear to have the truth exposed. Then [eventually] — [I go] fuck it, not my problem. [I feel the] Lack of self esteem. I like to pose as a perfect lover.
Common thread in my relationships:
I show up as Prince Charming. Then I break the image of Prince Charming. Women become controlling. They become unhappy. I feel guilt, anger, suffocated. I withdraw. Then I become angry with myself.
Feelings at the peak of this [latest] situation [i.e. adulter]: guilt about cheating, breaking her heart and lying, sadness because my girlfriend was devastated, anger against that woman.
My relationship pattern: Prince Charming — suffocating — sabotaging — escaping.
What my dad did to my mom: he felt insecure because she was beautiful, he was afraid to lose her, so after my sister was born, he cheated on her. I was 4–5 years old.
Then my mom remarried: I was 10 years old when I learned that the second husband was beating my mom. I became her confidant and her protector.
Reflection on cheating: my cheating is not similar to my dad’s. Dad was cheating because he felt insecure to lose mom, I cheated because I felt a lack of confidence because I had lost the image of Prince Charming. I don’t feel confident when I am not seen as Prince Charming.
Tell myself the truth: I am not Prince Charming. Stop presenting myself as Prince Charming.
***
Regression #1, the memory: my mom’s apartment 2–3 years after she divorced her second husband. There are 5–6 women in the living room, they’re having coffee. They are colleagues from her work. They’re chit chatting about their problems with men. At some point mom says that it’s not because she’s my mom, it’s because it’s true — I am different from all the other men. The women nod and say something in agreement. They all agree with mom. I am different. I am better.
I feel honored. But I feel weird at the same time. I am 14–16 max. I never had a relationship. I was a virgin. I did not yet know the kind of man I was. I just knew that I was a good skateboarder. I felt that I was given a responsibility that did not belong to me, responsibility that I did not choose. Like with mom when she was having troubles with her second husband.
Limiting programs, formed as a result of this episode: avoid finding my real self. I felt that I had to stay frozen in the image of “the Award” that this congregation of women gave me. The image was cool because 6 adult women were approving of me. I felt like it was the image that would make me lovable.
I did not feel lovable before then.
Why not: [I did not feel lovable] because I was not a good student. I was being lazy. I hated school. My results at school were always creating dramas at home with mom. Sometimes she cried because I was underperforming versus my abilities. Her husband was pressuring me. I was constantly feeling anxious that they would fight because of my results.
When I was finishing primary school, the teacher read my essay out loud to the parents, and declared that I was not mature enough to graduate. That made me want to jump from the balcony, because it was painful to upset parents, and to be a loser among bright classmates. I felt that I disappointed her, and seeing how dramatic the situation was, I thought I was stupid. I thought that they loved me, so they sugar coated it for me. But in reality, I was just stupid.
I started to hide my grades from parents. I started to think that I am a loser. I stopped loving myself.
The inner wisdom: I deserve love. I am a good person.
***
Regression #2
The moment I stopped loving myself.
The memory: My conception.
Darkness.
I see my parents, my mom. They are unhappy, my mom is not in love with my dad anymore. But she still makes love to him to please him. She made me with my dad but she was not in love anymore. I see that my dad cheated on my mom that day or the day before. He feels guilty. Mom did not know it, but she was unhappy. I knew it. I thought he was a liar.
***
I feel tension in my lower back. Like the heaviness from my stomach went down into my back.
Yes the back injury is related to the moment of my conception. I had to fight to survive. I had to hide, make her body believe that I was dead, because I sensed that she did not want me.
I felt scared.
How did this cause the back injury? I became anxious of not succeeding. I was anxious to lose my life [while I was in mom’s womb].
The damaging program #1: if I don’t succeed, i.e. if parents get mad or upset with me, I will die.
Examples of how this program plays out in adult life: fear of being sexually rejected by women. Fear of being criticized. Fear of being made fun of. Rejection, criticism = death.
Connection of conception moment with the school episode: Mom vibrated the same, i.e. unhappy, when I failed school. It was the first time when I felt unwanted.
The damaging program #2: I must keep secrets to protect others (i.e. dad’s cheating).
Example: I knew my dad was very unhappy with his wife, he felt miserable. But I could not tell anyone.
Consequences: I punish myself. I punish myself for keeping secrets. I punish myself for accepting secrets from other people.
What if I don’t keep the secret? My dad or mom are getting mad with me. If they get mad, then I’ll die. They are afraid to death that people will find out how shitty they are (i.e. how imperfect they are).
The moment I stopped loving myself: my dad was hating himself. He was feeling guilty about cheating on my mom. He was very silent. He withdrew. The same way I was withdrawing when I could no longer maintain the Prince Charming image. His cheating was the same as when I was cheating on my ex girlfriends.
Regression #3
The House of Fear
Before the regression: there is a bunch of knots in my stomach every time I start criticizing myself. I feel like it’s the “house of fear” that gets activated every time anything disturbing happens.
The memory #1: I am with my mom and her husband. We are the airport. We are going to my step father’s parents house. It’s very dark. We’re on the highway in the dark. They stopped the car so I could go pee. I am very tired. When I got out of the car, I saw a bush a bit further away, and I decided to go there, but in the dark I didn’t notice that I had to cross the road to get there. And there was a truck coming from the other side. It almost hit me. I reached the bush, and after I peed I could hear my parents shouting at me. They were scared to death. I was 8 or 9.
I felt that I could have died, but also that I could count on myself. I felt that I could not count on my parents to protect me or save me from anything anymore.
How it made me feel: insecure. Stressed, and scared of being alone. I felt that my parents could not protect me [from something like a truck]. That I was alone, on my own. I felt stupid, because I was not feeling strong enough and ready to be on my own. I felt stupid, because I did not notice the truck. I felt guilty and I blamed myself, because I didn’t notice it. Guilt was about upsetting my parents.
Consciousness of my mom’s constant unhappiness drove me to believe that I could not upset my parents. That’s why when they were upset, I felt guilty.
***
The memory #2: Once when we were in B* she told me that if I upset her, she won’t love me anymore. I was 4.5–5 years old.
We were in the living room. My mom was painting a portrait of my sister and I. I had to pose for a long time for her to paint me. I was bored to death and I wanted to go out and play. But I think she was very depressed. It was a few months before she divorced my father. My sister was 1 year old. Mom said if I upset her, she won’t love me anymore. She pinched my hand or my leg so I stay calm. It hurt a lot, and I got scared to death. I felt very lonely.
The damaging program [of being told mom won’t love me if I upset her]: At that moment I decided that I don’t want to be hurt again physically. Not to get hurt I have to be perfect. I have to keep my mom happy. I have to keep quiet not to attract criticism. Embellish the truth, make it cleaner, tell little white lies to white wash my image, to make me look perfect.
This program ruins my relationships. I constantly have to remember which kind of shiny image I projected, so it’s very very tiring. I get too tired. When I get tired I jump to a new partner to project a new perfect image. It seems less tiring, because it’s a new image.
***
The damaging program #2 [that formed as a result of the truck almost killing me]: I am scared to be alone. I will be alone, if I am not perfect.
If I am not perfect I will be alone in an endless white space. So I have to be perfect.
In my adult life this fear of being alone is still playing out. I drink alcohol not to think about it. This fear is bugging me almost constantly. It’s because I feel like I am not a good person. It’s about not saying who I am or what I want. Self-censorship. I am afraid that if they find out who I am or what I want, which is not perfect, they will leave me, I will be alone. I feel like an impostor.
At the same time I feel like I am betraying myself all the time, because I have to hide myself, not say who I am or what I want. This makes me seek approval/recognition from others.
The inner wisdom: these programs are useless, I am a good person.
I should go on a trip alone.
My mom did not mean it when she said she wouldn’t love me anymore, she was lost. I am fast, I can run fast if there’s a truck. It’s OK. If everybody has left me, I have my son. And if he is not there, I have myself. I have my own love.
I should work on my love relationship with my family. I distance myself from them.
I still feel the fear of being alone if I am not being perfect.
How I feel about it: fuck it! My self-respect and staying true to myself are more important than pretending to be perfect. If somebody does not like it, fuck it.
